


stay with me // phan

by psychgrunge



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: Anxiety, Crying, Depression, Emotional, Fluff, Love, M/M, Self Harm, attempted suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-17 23:15:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7290019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychgrunge/pseuds/psychgrunge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>phil tries to surprise dan, but ends up getting a sad surprise himself </p><p>TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicide, depression, eating disorder, and self harm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stay with me // phan

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry im just sad

I knew something was off.   
I knew he was depressed, but I thought he was getting better with all the help he had been getting.   
I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.   
If only I had REALLY knew the extent of his pain.   
His suffering.   
How he lie awake at night drowning himself in his own tears, after I had long gone drifted to sleep.   
He would kiss and huge me everyday, convincing me he was happy to be alive, happy to see me, happy to be wrapped in my arms.   
But it wasn't enough, god I wished it was enough.   
I wish I could've seen the way he avoided mirrors, or any social interaction.   
Or the way he constantly wore long sleeves and jeans.   
How pale he had gotten.  
How skinny his long frame had become.   
How sunken his got from the lack of sleep.   
Me being so in love with every aspect of him, I didn't notice.   
He wanted to convince me he was happy, and he did.   
He was good at pretending, but now, seeing him lying in this hospital bed, beeps filling my ears, there was no way for him to pretend.   
I came home with a surprise for him, something I knew he'd love, his family.   
I brought his family to visit him, I knew he missed them, nether of us had seen either of our families lately and it was taking a toll on us both.   
But as soon as I turned the door knob to his bedroom door to reveal my surprise, I got a heart shattering surprise of my own, as did his mother and father.   
He was lying there, pale, lifeless, surrounded by empty bottles of only god know what kind of pills.   
I immediately dropped to my knees, clutching his barely alive body to my chest, screaming.   
Screaming so loud, I'm sure the other side of London was wondering what the fuck was going on.   
Screaming for him to wake up, screaming for it to be a dream.   
Wishing someone would just pinch me so I could wake up and this night mare could be over.   
But here I am, clutching onto my almost dead boyfriends hand, hating myself.   
Hating myself because I was so in love with this incredibly caring, beautiful, human being, that I didn't notice how much he was being smothered by his own mind.   
His dad and mom left a little while ago, sobbing, to go pick up his brother from their nans, to tell him what happened. 

"If.. if you can hear me Dan, I just I want you to know, I love you, I love you so fucking much. I'm sorry for whatever I did, or whatever I didn't do do to help you. I was so caught up in the beauty that was you, every day when I woke up next you, I would wonder, 'What did I do to ever deserve such a gorgeous, caring man, who makes me feel like the only guy in the world?' You were there for me every single fucking day, yet I couldn't see what was right in front of me! I'm sorry, I'm so so so-orry, please don't leave me, please don't go. I know I'm being selfish, but I need you, I need you more than anything, you're my reason for living Dan, I don't know what I'd do without you in my life, you've given me the most exhilarating years of my life, I can't live without you, I can't, I won't", I choked, sobbing, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. 

I felt a slight squeeze on my hand and my head shot up to see Dans eyes barely open, tears streaming down his face. 

"You won't have to" 

"Dan, oh my- oh my god Dan! You're awake!", I practically yelled in joy cupping his face, kissing his lips softly. 

"I'm so sorry, Phil, I never want to be without you, you make me happier than anyone or anything, as soon as I did what I did, I regretted it, I tried calling for help but I couldn't", Dan started sobbing. 

"Shh, no baby, it's okay, I'm just glad you're alive", I hugged him, rubbing his back. 

"I don't deserve you, Phil, the pain I put you through today, I can't believe I did that", his body was shaking against mine. 

"Listen to me Dan, the only joy I have ever known was holding you, kissing you, listening to you speak, seeing you, every day, I look forward to it, nothing makes me happier than you, Dan, you make me so happy, and I'm so glad you're okay. You deserve everything good in life, and I'm glad I'm apart of it. I love you so much, and I wouldn't trade you for the world, I can't live without you, do you understand?", I explained staring into his watery eyes. 

"I love you more, Phil", he smiled lifting his head to give me a weak kiss. 

"That's not even remotely possible", I said fondly dropping my forehead against his relishing in the moment. 

He's alive.   
Dans alive.   
And I'm going to be sure that it stays that way from now on.


End file.
